2007-08-29

總覺得. 遇上你, 讓我成熟起來. 思想上.

我從無後悔認識你, 是真的, 這是你常常會問的問題, 倒是無論我的答案如何, 你只想聽到你想聽的, 其他一切都是謊話. 對, 人都是想聽到看到自己想聽想看的事, 其他的可一律聽不到看不到.

每個人都自私的. 不, 我是自私的. 我明白客觀的事實, 卻跨不過去, 只著眼於自己的感覺, 循著我最慣性的做法—-逃.

我想, 如果從沒認識你, 我的世界現在會如何? 其實, 我想象不到, 沒有遇上你, 就不是現在的我. 也許, 你從沒認識我, 你可以選擇重新選擇. 也許, 結果會不同. 也許, 你會比較快樂.  

我好自私的. 我好會逃避. 你說我總是逃開. 但原來卻離不開.

2006-09-09

昨夜看了電影«隱形鬥室», 說的是抑鬱症.

跟媽閒聊, 她說有些事情她是不敢再試的了, 怕會再有什麼事情發生. 我只是笑笑.

記得那天夜裡收到伯母的來電, 電話少有地撥到家裡來, 而我又剛好在家. 媽接了電話, 交到我手上時一臉擔憂, 想是她還認得伯母的話聲. 伯母的第一句”走了”, 我還意會不來, “到哪去了…?”, 再想想, 伯母語氣不對, 聲線不對.

後來伯母的朋友問我會不會到廣州一趟, 是火化前的儀式, 他們家人正在做安排, 媽要跟我一起去. 那是我見他的最後一次, 無論他臉面變成如何. 伯母知道相熟的道教師傅, 所有可做的儀式都做: 設靈, 頭七, 三七, 五七, 尾七全都安排好, 我也全去了, 媽不知道, 除了免她擔心, 我也不想多說. 尾七儀式那天, 師傅”問” “他”有什麼捨不下, 伯母最後竟然把我叫出去, 那傻瓜的”回答”猶如將我拉進深淵.

往後有一段時間常常帶花去他靈位前, 傻傻的呆上大半小時. 後來知道自己這樣也無法子了吧, 漸漸也去得少了.

要經歷的事情, 無論如何我都會經歷到. 要記得的事, 我永遠都會記得.

2006-07-09

we went to macau. i hoped the trip would wash away the heavy memories from my previous trip. but it just made it worse. i hate this feeling. i wanna go traveling. to bankok as i said, to tokyo though no money to shop, to somewhere far far away.

it's a new day.

2006-07-05

不要陷入自我懷疑之中, 誰說我不夠好? 自信, 自信!

2006-06-25

我暫時就只能這樣吧. 在笑不出的時候, 全身乏力想躺下的時候, 就閉上眼睛, 靜靜的讓心臟被緊揑著的感覺消失. 你不重視, 為什我還要在意. 我知道, 自己會好好的.

2006-06-22

i almost didnt cry. tears are useless. and i doubt if this is worth crying for.

i've made sure i didnt misinterprete any single word that day. i remember your answer, “Yes”. neat and clean. is that what you do for your lies?

your words pop up my head from time to time. the good ones, the bad ones, the loveliest ones, the ugliest ones. all lead to the dull ache in my heart. the inevitable decision i made. yes, i made my choice. you are what you are. though the extreme believes of yours left me in the coldest iceland i've never been to. maybe i was just believing in it too much. perfecting you to be the One i'm searching for.

i need to stop asking myself why you lied. no, i dont want any answers from you. it doesnt matter anymore, does it? you are what you are. and it's better be now or never.

now, with the ache deep in me, i'm here.

2006-06-21

i thought i met the One. but it comes out he's one of those ugly creatures.

do i hate him? i'm not sure. i'm utterly disappointed.

dont cry.